Monday, June 29, 2009

Bilingual Sexual Trysts...with One's Life

I've had a horrible day, most likely due to a total and complete failure to prehydrate so I didn't dehydrate last night during the celebration of my friend's birthday...more on that to come, possibly tomorrow. (that's what she said?)

A girl on whom I've had a crush for at least the entirety of 2009 just sent me a message, explaining that she did so "in lew of" [...sic, unfortunately] seeing me at work. I can't decide if that's a deal breaker.

In other French news, a new favorite site of mine has become FMyLife in French -- because really, what's better than ridiculous American teenagers and young adults talking about how much their lives suck? Frenchmen doing so.

I'm not really sure why.

Anyway, my favorite from tonight's perusal:
Aujourd'hui, je vais à la piscine. Je décide de faire une petite sieste sur les pelouses. Je m'endors sur le dos et je suis réveillé brusquement par une mère de famille qui me dit : "Je voulais juste vous signaler que vous avez une érection. Et en plus le bout de votre sexe sort de votre maillot." VDM

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Panic! In the West Parlor

In other news, here are the opening lines of an email I just got from the professor with whom I'll be working next year:
Я сейчас отправляюсь в археологическую экспедицию в Турцию. не нравятся ваши планы.
Hello! Right now I'm heading out for an archaeological expedition in Turkey. Your plans are not pleasing.

...I just had a panic attack, seeing that. The only comfort I can give myself is that the tone of the rest of the letter doesn't seem to fit with that sentence and, what's more - if he missed typing the letter "м" - it would be "Your plans sound great to me." It's the difference between saying "not" or saying "to me." We'll pretend it's the latter, for now...I guess I just have to wait until he gets back from Turkey...

Can He Start the Jukebox by Hitting it, Too?

According to the Boston Globe, Madoff (who, we remember, perpetrated the most lucrative Ponzi scheme in history) wants only 12 years imprisonment.

Little do prosecutors know that as soon as they give him the time requested, he'll find other inves--lawyers who'll procure him more. And more. And soon he'll be set for life.

...Prison terms don't work as well as money does in that scheme...

Legen - Wait for it -

And I hope you're not lactose-intolerant - DAIRY. LEGENDARY!

This is a great performance of an awesome song (and the guy's hair is fantastic as well):

Liszt's Totentanz Parts 1, and 2.

Sometimes I rather miss back in the day when I was able to play piano...

Monday, June 22, 2009

Suck the Poison from this Wound

...I just listened to The Killer's "Dustland Fairytale" 4 times in a row. Those joking, ironic, sardonic references to myself as an indie kid don't seem so mocking anymore.

Quick! Fetch me a button-down (without pearlized buttons) and a Sam Summer! For God's sakes, anything but a PBR! Set the jukebox to some classic ACDC! Get thee to a nunnery! Please, Virginia, don't let Santa Claus bring me a pair of skinny jeans! Exclamation point!


EDIT: This is an internal state change, true, but perhaps one wrought from external sources; I got a sandwich from Ceres today.* Maybe I can claim to be under the influence.

*It was absolutely delicious and they are the NICEST people in the entire world. I will most certainly be returning. So...maybe I'm fine with poser!indie status.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

BNG in Haiku Form

We were bored a little while ago, and were trapped at work without any custies for to help. I wrote a haiku:
Just employees here
Working in the coffee shop
Buy something from us!
Heather was also inspired:
Free samples taunt us
with their delicious goodness.
Cookies are evil.
We had just gotten a shipment of new t-shirts. A fellow employee, not working, came in. He bragged about washing his work shirts, realized we had new ones, said "crap, why did I wash my other shirts?" and ran to buy one.
Graham is in the house
A burgundy shirt to buy
Let him clean that, too!
Aaaaand then we all realized that, in lieu of serving customers, we had way more downtime between chores and were pounding down the coffees as if swimming in a sea of caffeine.
Drinking some coffee
Caffeine makes my head spin 'round.
Sleepy time will come.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

White Trash Morning

Let's see how y'all do on this question from trivia last night:

Sharing its name with a long, skinny fish, what long, skinny hairstyle is stereotypically associated with white trash?*

Last night's question has unfortunately set the tone for today's sitting on the couch, riffing on an acoustic guitar and watching three hours of Wrecks to Riches. Awesome. I can't wait to get a Russian haircut.

Evidence that TV sucks up the nation's intelligence: I put the guitar back in its case and was looking around everywhere for the pick. Searched under the pillows, shook out the throw blanket, checked under the couch - nothing. I sat back down to watch more TV and regroup, and finally realized where the pick was. I had set it like a pencil behind my ear.

Evidence that TV sucks up the nation's intelligence, part II: Apparently it is so hard to use a traditional or laser level that we need an infomercial for a GIGANTOR LEVEL OF DOOM™

I think it looks like it has red wine on the inside. Maybe you can pop that sucker open and take a swig when you're having problems getting your project level.

* One answer will get you full points; another possibility, according to Micaela's rules, only gets you 1 pt. ;)

Friday, June 12, 2009

Oh no, there goes Tokyo

My fellow Americans,

It is with a greatly perturbed heart that I must share with you a devastating problem that I have recently encountered on the streets of downtown Portsmouth. It is a problem so potentially pervasive, so potentially destructive to our entire way of life (worse even than the swine flu or the economic collapse - which means that the media's silence can only be explained by governmental conspiracy) that I must command all of you to tell a friend about it immediately, lest it become A THING

I first saw it on my way out of BNG yesterday. I was so shocked that I stared in bewildered amusement until I realized how rude it is to stare in public. Granted, the entire experience may only be a product of over-caffeinated delusions...

Leaving BNG, what did I see but a man wearing Uggs.

An artistic rendition of the phenomenon. I promptly called Sarah (as it appears to be A THING™, first developed in Moscow, that I call her when I see some awesome testament to Bad Fashion) and she tried to explain it away by asking if perhaps he was doing a Walk of Shame...

No. No explanations can legitimate this phenomenon. Beware Godzillas wearing Man Uggs. Timeo Danaos et Uggs ferentes.

From the West Parlor*,

A Very Frightened Zamerzikar

*cf. In the House

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Going International

Well I had been hoping to have a couple of posts separating Gourmet Bachelor Chow attempts but apparently I have not written anything. News to me. Herein GBC goes across the big wide Atlantic Ocean to take on the traditional Italian dish of bruschetta, with a modern American twist.

The twist: on a Spinach bagel, and I stole some of Stacey's fresh dill to put on top because I had only dried basil (which is also present). I feel like bruschetta has to have at least ONE fresh spice...

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The Introduction of Gourmet Bachelor Chow

People's interpretations of my culinary skills depend entirely on what time of my life they have known me. My family remembers my most disastrous attempts at cooking; my professed dream (at age 8) to become a short-order cook; the lengthy (I think my record was around 15 minutes) preparation times for making sandwiches.

Anyone who does not have 20 years of "me" experience tends to compliment me on what is - if not always the most delicious or enticing culinary masterpiece - at the very least an intriguing oeuvre. The Roomies were very complimentary about my dinner construction tonight, so I thought of a new feature - in the interest of promoting this second interpretation of my cooking, in spite of the first, I introduce Gourmet Bachelor Chow.*

Featured Dish #1: Hot-dogs au fromage et aux légumes

It's so much more refined in French. Hot dogs with cheese and sauteed onions and peppers (not pictured: I ate one on a bun and saved the other two for lunch & dinner tomorrow).

*Note how this feature has the same awesome dichotomy the entire blog exemplifies. Go team.

Friday, June 5, 2009

What I Can Do with a Sledgehammer

S. and I were out at Sakura tonight. Mid-whale mode, we started talking about children. Her point was that children are sociopaths to whom we need to impart direct lessons about empathy and compassion: "See how she's crying? That's because she's sad. Remember how sad you are when you're crying? You should be sad now, too."

My point was that the child we were is the adult we are. When I was 8 or 9, I was very much into Ancient Egypt. Mom and Dad bought me some kit that had a bunch of plastic "relics" all in a faux limestone block. The kit came with a brush, a miniature chisel...all the accoutrements of a junior archaeologist, so I could learn how to properly excavate a site.

I took one of Dad's hammers to it.

The same is unfortunately true of me in most social situations today. Those who possess true social grace can finesse their way through any event with a chisel and brush, but I swing a sledgehammer like Thor upon the giants. And it pisses me more when I have encounters with individuals who are upset but who will brush so softly they will not even move dust upon the limestone, than it does those who chisel at the problem (even if it's me) as hard as I might.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

We Could Be Heroes

Just for one day.

Best News Article EVER.

If only I could be a Superhero. Who would I be? Doctor Horrible? Professor Chaos? Spider-Man?

Frozen Icarus?

I used to watch the hit NBC TV series Heroes but stopped about two episodes into this past season. Ye olde roommates and I joked about one hero, Niki Sanders, (who had superhuman strength and agility psychologically locked, tied to an alternate persona) - we said that her super power was a mental disorder.

Mental disorders aren't fun to joke about. But seriously - worst superpower ever.

Anyway. Not once but multiple times have I called what song is going to be on the radio station. I remember on the way in to college I started singing, "Doctor, Doctor, give me the news..." before changing the station to hear that exact song come on.

Just a week ago, I was humming, "One, twenty-one guns" while FNX was on commercial. A second later Driscoll came on and said, "Here's that new one from Green Day."

Second. Worst. Superpower. Ever.

J'adore le café

We use oils at work to coat the coffee beans with different flavors. They are incredibly potent - weighing out about 1/500 of the beans' weight is enough for our purposes.

Unfortunately, their odor is so strong that even when I don't come into direct contact with the beans, the vapors soak into my hands. The hazelnut is exceptionally potent, which I realized today when I poured myself an iced hazelnut on my way out the door and discovered that the taste of the coffee was a scent I had been smelling all day.

The upside: this might break my addiction to hazelnut coffee.

The downside: it might break my addiction to hazelnut coffee.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

And Bread and Fish for All!

I thought about various titles for this post but I was scared about appearing megalomaniac or overly satiric. Well, anyway. I walked on water, and I saved things. So there you go.

Portsmouth is not so friendly in terms of trail running, but for all that it kills my knees, it offers awesome landscape. I took a route out through New Castle and back around - running a perimeter around the harbor - which means I was on waaaaaaaaater. Anyway. I had a hard time concentrating on moving forward because every corner I wanted to photograph a seascape or a ruinous prison or a cemetery...I'll make it work, soon enough.

On the final causeway before the mainland I saw two lanes of traffic stopped. A dog was in the middle of the road; as I approached, he moved to the inbound lane, and a car or two moved past. Then he got back to the middle of the road and everyone stopped.

I slowed down to a walk and clapped for him. "Here, Buddy!" (He had a collar on so I didn't fear the Rayb.)

And then he came over. And he heeled when I told him to sit on the ground. And then he stayed put as I ran away. Therefore, vis-a-vis, quid pro quo, l'etat c'est moi - I am a savior. Indefinite article.

In the House

I used to live here.

Now I live here.

Which is, by the way, down the street from here.

Right next to where I work! Ballin!