Saturday, August 29, 2009

G.B.C: A History

I've been in the kitchen for a couple hours today, cooking pasta (my specialty -- read as -- "the one thing I feel truly comfortable cooking") and bagel chips. I've come to feel a little domesticated, like a poor, defenseless hedgehog, scooped off of the forest floor and dumped, precariously, into the precocious young hands of a three-year-old with an early propensity for arson and the uncanny ability to interject with sexually-charged, but otherwise entirely innocuous, comments:
"Now, what was the name of that dish, it had such a pleasant taste and aroma..."
"The balls! The balls, mommy!"
"They're right over there, hon. It might have been a quiche of some sort..."
I'm not entirely sure why, even in my own imagination, I have to be a hedgehog. I'd much rather be something more accordant to my true nature. Loveable, affable. Incendiary wit. (I love that turn of phrase.) I picture myself to be a nice Irish Setter.
which I've been for many the year
and I've spent all me money on whiskey and beer
Maybe a Border Collie. Anyway, I digress.

The point is I've got to thinking about the finer things in life; finer things
Besides having sex with men, the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing I do.
--Oscar, The Office
--that is, finer things, such as Gourmet Bachelor Chow.

As with all Good Things™ (among which I number the Buddha, Michel Foucault, vodka, and the $5 burrito at Dos Amigos) the origins of bachelor chow are foggy, impenetrable to the modern eye. Whispers of its presence echoed throughout society, but such may have been naught but temporal ripples, resounding from the first fateful day that I saw it - that is, when it existed in any way truly important to the world of man - on a cartoon billboard on the TV show Futurama.

Flash forward to this spring, when Wer (who is, as always, of Wer&Wif fame) cooked up his version of Bachelor Chow, which I can only describe using the component parts that I remember: baked beans, canned chicken, sharp cheddar cheese. There were still other things he chose to toss into the mix, but I've blocked them out of my memory.

I took a taste - for who doesn't, seeing a bowl of viscous liquid that looks and smells like a sewage treatment plant, desire to taste it? Or one of my favorite quotes of human history, oft-repeated:
Ugh, this is disgusting, try it!
I chewed Wer's recipe for Bachelor Chow for a moment.

I swallowed...and at that point I nearly threw up everything I had eaten that day. It was the flavor profile of Sex Black Panther cologne.

So when the first GBC entry hit this blog, I had in mind a feature that would not inspire retching, or dry-heaving by the tree near my work, or normal person vomiting...but would rather be a pride for the ages. I had in mind a venture that would be, truly, gourmet.


Stacey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stacey said...

Haha, remember what I said when I got home from New York? "Sweetie, promise me that if I ever leave you again, you WILL NOT make this!"

-the Wif

Justin said...

But it was very high in Protein and Fiber!