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Every so often someone at the gym will say: “Это нарушит правило,” which means “That’s breaking the rules.” It slips off their tongue like it’s jargon-of-the-work-place, but I haven’t figure out yet just what rules they mean. The first time I heard it was from the businesswoman who sold me my membership, and I’m pretty sure she was referring to something that, literally, was breaking the rules of the gym.

Then I heard it from the personal trainer they make clients see before their first workout, to check one’s physical status. “To go to the gym hungry – eto narushit pravilo.” This time? Is this a Planet Fitness bylaw? Or a medical recommendation?

The last time happened when I was talking to an employee on the floor. He had asked me how many times I planned on working out in a week. “3, 4 times,” I said.

“Only three times in the weight room. More – eto narushit pravilo.”

I explained that I included times when I just went to use a treadmill/bike, too. But really? What kind of rule – socially acceptable behavior? Of the gym itself?

Briullov and Jude go to the same gym, and also think it’s funny, the extent to which everything is clockwork. You must do this, then this, then this. NOT THAT – eto narushit pravilo! Also, we all three think it’s funny that we’re technically not supposed to run – ever – and maybe not even walk, because all three of us have scoliosis, according to that first “doctor” (we decided she played the chiropractor’s game, in which anyone’s back is messed up beyond belief if it is not perfectly symmetrical). I am a beautiful little tree. My branches are not symmetrical. They list slightly to the left.

ROD

My ego poteriali. –Net, on tam – on nemnogo porachivalsia sleva. We’ve lost him. No, there he is – he’s listed slightly to the left.