How to Murder Yourself Without Trying

I want to do this.

Here are some of their recommendations to train:

On hygiene

We suggest starting off each day taking cold, freezing showers to prepare for the icy water and mud you’ll have to wade through from start to glorious finish.

After your shower, look at yourself in the mirror. Punch yourself in the mouth. This works on two levels: the first is that you get used to pain. The second is that girls love wounds.

On nutrition

What you put in your body has a direct effect on how you preform on May 2nd – mentally and physically. We recommend a meal of raw baby cow, preferably one you found and wrassled yourself (for city dwellers, any form of rodent, bird, or next door neighbor will do.) For dessert, snort two lines of protein powder and call it a day.

On training

"EMPIRE STATE OF MIND" Since you’ll have to get used to jumping from tall places, practice jumping off buildings or moving cars the next time you take a drive.
Alternate: Make a bungee cord out of Tough Mudder armbands, band-aids, and your ex girlfriend’s underwear. Tie to a tree. Go nuts.

Why am I such a crazy person?